Reflecting After a Long Break

     Hi. I guess it's been 4 years, or so? Time flies when you're having babies and pretending you aren't as emotionally damaged by your mother as you portray in real life. The joys of childhood trauma are the gift that keeps on giving, right? Anyway. 

What to say? I have 5 beautiful, amazingly funny and lovely children. The fifth one was a little surprise from the universe, or maybe more accurately, a surprise from an overly enthusiastic weekend with the husband. We are quickly outgrowing our house but the local market is ridiculous and I'm not confident in the longevity of the high values, I don't want to list our home, sell, and then buy a larger one only to get burned by some sort of housing bubble burst. 

A few years ago I took a break form this blog. I found that writing about my trauma while leading up to and through a relationship hiatus with my mother was too difficult to navigate. After my 4th baby was born we went through a traumatic event as a family that ended up spurring several months of intense anxiety and panic attacks. I finally went back on medication and started therapy with a counsellor trained in EMDR and it changed my life. EMDR treats PTSD, I was having many flashbacks to my childhood and over-reacting with my kids and my husband over tiny things because of similar situations I experienced as a child. I won't detail therapy today, perhaps I'll write about it another day. 

I cut all contact with my mother from September 2016- June 2019. In 2019 I unblocked her from one of my less used forms of social media, she came to town that July and stayed with my brother. I saw my mother for about 3 hours, and my brother and his spouse barely saw her despite her staying with them. Turns out her reason for staying with them and coming to town was because she actually wanted to see her boyfriend at the time, she didn't mention him until right before she came to town, and she even skipped out on the single outing my brother planned to take her out for. Oh, she also was looking for a co-signer for an MLM that operates more like a ponzi-scheme, I'll detail that another time.

My mother moved back to my city and didn't contact me at all until December 2020, she had already been back for just over a month and I hadn't spoken with her since summer 2019. I have briefly chatted with her via text twice since Christmas 2020. I am still very much detached from the mother-daughter relationship, and at this point, both of my brothers are essentially no-contact. 

I think this is enough for a general update. I have decided I will be exploring my feelings again through this blog. I will be writing about my mother, our relationship, how it affects my day to day life with my children and spouse, and how I'm making the effort to break the cycle of intergenerational trauma. I hope whoever finds this blog is able to learn something from it, whether that means they can commiserate with me, learn to recognize their own childhood trauma, or maybe they can learn about what it's like to grow up with extreme dysfunction. Despite this being mostly about my mother, my dad wasn't always great at dealing as a single parent so I will be writing about that as well. 

Hope the weekend finds you well.

99 Days

I think about the amount of time I've already spent with my kids and how quickly the time goes. I have spent 5 years raising my children, over 1825 days. That's a lot of time and a lot of energy being put into parenting my children, it's hard work, but it's also joyous and I love it intensely.

My mother left when I was 7. After just over 2555 days and 3 children, she called it quits and moved on. I can not for the life of me imagine being with my children every day of their lives, raising them and watching them grow, and then just walking away and giving up any form of custody of them. I understand having to share your time with an ex husband or ex wife, but to just throw in the towel and walk away, I can't even comprehend that, it's mind boggling. I guessed once, how much time my mom spent with us after she left, I thought it was under a years worth of days. maybe around 260, I was off by a lot. From the age of 7 to 18, my mom visited with us a total of 99 days. about 8 days a year, that doesn't include all of the cancelled visits.

I started thinking about all of this recently when I saw a discussion where someone was struggling to have their children's father involved in their lives. She wrote about begging her ex to come to a game, or call the kids, or send a card. Just begging to have this person devote time to their kids because the time they didn't get from their father was breaking their hearts. It reminded me of my dad doing the same to my mom. Offering to drop us off at the mall to go window shopping and  giving money to take us to eat somewhere. Trying to get her to come take us for a walk or go do something beyond the 4 hour visit she obliged to for us every week.

She did go to one of my brother's hockey games, one time, in 10 years of hockey. She sat there like some stone cold bitch, my dad tried to make chit chat about my brother and his hockey skills, my mom just rolled her eyes and forced a smirk and an obviously bitchy remark. It was painfully awkward, and the worst part is that the game was at an arena that was a 5 minute walk from her house. My brother played hockey at the arena regularly, but I guess an extra 2 hours at even one hockey game a month was too much to ask. The only good outcome that came from my mom going to the game, was that the other parents stopped judging my dad so much. I guess some of the mothers assumed that my dad didn't "allow" my mother to go and support my brother, it was the only reasonable explanation they had for why my mother wasn't going to games. I guess those women assumed my mother was a reasonable and supportive parent...she proved them wrong.

It's almost been a year since I sent my mother an email saying I needed to take time to reassess the relationship. I think from time to time that maybe I should contact her and try again, but then I am reminded of another reason why I'm not participating in our relationship right now. 99 days. 99 days, most of those during a pivotal time of my and my siblings lives. 99 Days of longing, of pain, of questioning, of the most unimaginable heartbreak of your life. 99 days of irreversible damage. 99 days of sobering reality. 99 days and not a day more has to be spent wondering why my mother doesn't value myself or my siblings more then the man of the hour. Those 99 days are over, and it's been 4745 days since those 99 have been done. Yet, it only takes an instant, to remind me, of every single one.

Hello again

Wow! I can't believe how long it's been since I last wrote, doesn't feel as long as it's been. 2016 was incredibly busy. We had another baby and did a ton of work to our home. The year was really rough for me emotionally, I isolated myself from friends and family and was more depressed then I realized. I did start medication for anxiety finally, it was a LONG time coming, I finally feel myself for the first time in ages. 2017 has been off to a much more emotionally stable start.

On the mother front, I have finally taken a hiatus from the relationship. I was having a lot of anxiety about her planned visit late last summer, I was dreading it like the plague that is gastroenteritis. A month before she was supposed to fly here, I let her know of a couple motels she could stay in(the year before she had said she'd get a hotel somewhere so she could "actually relax" next visit). Well, those suggestions led to radio silence from her. I finally found out she was not flying to town after my brother talked to her once her vacation started. Fun conversation they had.

My mom has been doing this "woe is me" pity party for the past 10 years. She starts out talking about how she couldn't do any better, then moves on to not knowing how to be a mom, poor me, MY life is hard. While I know her life has been hard, mine has not been some walk in the park. What really gets to me about her meltdowns is that she has never once turned to any of my siblings or myself and said "I'm so sorry for not being there when you needed me". Not one time, it's always how sad she is, or how hard she had it, or how she didnt or couldn't or wouldnt do something. It's all about her. When my brother spoke with her last year, it was the same old yearly pity party. He told me about it and it finally just hit me like a brick wall, she only cares about herself. She only does things to benefit her, to make her the most comfortable, and to boost her ego. If I ever hear the phrase "I didn't know how to be a mother, I didn't have a mother" again, I'm going to explode. Guess what? I DIDN'T HAVE A MOTHER EITHER! Yet here I am, 3 kids later, momming hard, no excuses. That was the catalyst for stepping back from the relationship with my mother, and it's been a calming 7 months.

Some people are really uncomfortable with the idea of cutting off a family member, usually it's because they've been indoctrinated with this idea that family is family. I'm calling bullshit. Sometimes family is toxic, and it's okay to put that relationship on hold, or disolve it altogether. If someone is hurting you and are manipulative/narcissistic/co-dependent/emotionally abusive/gaslighters or any other form of toxic, do not be afraid to stand up and say ENOUGH!

I don't know when I'll speak to my mother again, I still cant think of her without feeling angry and resentful. Maybe one day I'll try to speak to her again, when the anger subsides, though I suspect this may take years, my emotions are very intense when it comes to her. Regardless of when or if I speak to her again, I can unequivocally say I regret nothing about backing away, I need and cherish the distance.

Seriously. Can't. Even.

It has taken months to process the visit I had with my mother this year. Months. She came in July for just over a week and it seemed to go smoothly, but, like every time she comes to town, I allowed myself be let down. 

The let down started with the odd critical comment, and ended with her last night in my home spent listening to a beligerent drunk. Un-fucking believable. The day she left I had avoided her as I was just pissed beyond belief how drunk she got ALONE. No one else was "drinking" as I'm pregnant, and it was the middle of my husbands work week. I didn't talk about her visit for almost 2 weeks because I was so angry, and since July have spoken to her for maybe 35 minutes total between two phone calls. I just can't even anymore.

I'm getting too old to deal with or care about this parental relationship. I can't handle the things my mother posts online, she's tagging me in a million Facebook posts, including a picture of her idiot ex boyfriend at a funeral, why in the fuck would I want to see that alcoholic criminal? I can guarantee she showed him pictures of myself and my children, I'm restricting her access to everything of mine from now on. My husband has mentioned random things from my mom's visit that further piss me off, like how she was using my coffee grinder and it died and exclaimed "I'm not used to using such cheap stuff". Meanwhile, she sent me the fucking coffee grinder with a french press and a HALF EMPTY BAG OF COFFEE BEANS for my brithday 5 years prior. Seriously, what a bitch! I'm so done with her and her self righteous, snot faced, entitled, self-centred, bullshit attitude. Then she has the nerve to half joke about us building her a cabin on our property for her to retire in (on an instagram post). Fat chance! There will be exactly ZERO relatives living with my family and I on our property. I'd rather shoot myself in the foot then ever have my mother living with us or near us. Ragey doesn't even begin to describe how I'm still feeling 5 months later. 

On top of the latent visit rage, I've come to realize that I have allowed myself to be treated like a poor orphan for many years. A few close relationships have involved a lot of pity from the other person, always sad to think about me "not having a mom" growing up. I haven't really thought much about this generalization until recently so couldn't see what it meant for those relationships. I've since come to the understanding that these people not only feel sorry for me and pity me, they have taken it upon themselves to try and "mother" me. I didn't notice the dynamic before, but now as a 2 time, soon to be 3 time mother, I realize that these people have completely infantilized me, and it pisses me off. I'm mad about it because I let it happen, over and over again, and I'm pissed off because these people still don't see me as a full fledged adult. Even though I'm married. Even though I have children. Even though we are on our second house. Even though I actually do have a mother, albeit an absent, selfish and heavily judgemental one. It's been a rude awakening to say the least, but I'm glad that I have opened my eyes and can see that my own difficulties with my mother have been further perpetuated by accepting the pity of others. Better to figure it out now at least so I can stop allowing people to view me.as a victim.

Anyway, feeling hugely pregnant and now fatigued after my vent here, hope there are people out there that find all this swearing and complaining helpful...lol

A Free Moment Warrants a Post

Life happens and things have been extremely busy, there is no resting with two kids, and that's fine by me. I've realized that I haven't been doing much in regard to letting my emotions out and it has been detrimental to my day to day life. I've been stressed out, I've had anxiety for months, I've pulled out my hair at times, and I've been snappy with everyone. I constantly feel like when I talk to my mom I have to guide her and explain things to her that I shouldn't have to. I often feel like I'm her mother and not the other way around and frankly, I don't know what to do about that anymore. 

My mom has been living on her own for 6 months, which is a huge step for her considering her co-dependency issues. Things aren't exactly hunky-dory though, her ex boyfriend is still randomly contacting her and she just doesn't think anything of it. I have the hardest time understanding how someone could essentially be stalking you and you not recognize that it's stalking, like wth. Her last interaction with him she "felt bad for him" after running into him at the grocery store. She said he was skinny and complained of having no money and was crying. She bought him $40 worth of groceries and he explained he realized that my mom was not ready for a relationship when they started dating. My mom told me that she was glad he could see she wasn't ready and wasn't interested anymore. The thing is, his statement didn't actually indicate that he was letting go of her, it indicated that he actually blames her for their break up, and her buying him groceries and giving him a shoulder to essentially cry on, along with a goodbye hug, just cements his feelings that somehow things will work out. My mom has no innate ability to spot deceit, and it's terrifying to think about.

Speaking of deceit, I also had to explain to my mom about catfish, as in the online predators. She was taken in by someone claiming to be a millionaire with a company and the whole works. It happened literally in less then 24hours, she went from single to "in a relationship" on facebook with a "man" that's had no friends on his friends list, and had just created his "business" page. I did some private investigation work and within 3 hours found out everything I needed to confirm to my mom that this man was not a real person(what a shit show that could have been). Luckily, my mom has no money so she wouldn't get too far in one of these fake relationships, but that still didn't stop her form giving the guy her phone number within the first 2 hours of chatting with him(wtaf, right?).

On the topic of money, my mom was supposed to be coming to town in I guess 3 weeks from now. Last years she had no money as the year before she cancelled her trip here to take an expensive trip(on credit) with her idiot boyfriend(it was decided after I had told her her boyfriend was essentially an emotionally abusive,manipulative ass, that would never be welcome around my children). Anyway, she's claiming bankruptcy so I highly doubt she's coming. I am really annoyed because instead of just saying :sorry I can't come due to financial ruin", she just keeps saying "we'll see what happens". 

I just don't even know how to even anymore. My councilor I saw once in the fall(I really need to get my shit together and start going again) asked me why this relationship was so important to me when all it does is cause me grief. I have been reflecting on a few relationships now and honestly don't know why I put so much time into things that have little, if any return on my emotional investment. The other relationships I have that aren't reciprocal I have basically stopped engaging in (family and friendships I mean here), but for whatever reason I have remained my mothers keeper. I can't seem to shed this role and I don't know why. Maybe it's because after every major incident with her I don't see or speak with her for weeks or months. I feel like I do a whole lot of rug sweeping with my mom, but now, all the beating in the world wont get my rugs clean, the dirt has permeated my life and the only thing to do is just throw the damn things out. Why do simple solutions always seem so god damn hard? 

I am NOT my mother, NOT my dad, NOT a toddler

I was on the phone with my dad this morning, I called to see if he wanted to go to a sale this weekend. As we were chatting he casually asked about when my son will be starting school. Now, to be honest, I am VERY inclined to home school. No, we're not religious, we're not in a cult, we're not socially inept or whatever other stigma follows home schooling families, I just don't really feel traditional school is the first choice. Anyway, on with the story. I started telling my dad that it would be a few years yet and that I wasn't sure where my son was going to go. I started telling my dad a bit about some friends' experiences and how I'm not totally confident in the way things are being handled in schools. Well, bloddy hell, the man just went off the deep end(channeling a little Ron Weasley there). My dad started flipping out about how teachers don't do their jobs, how sending kids home teachers them HOW to get sent home. He was literally YELLING on the phone, about teachers, and it wasn't even 9am yet. Oy Vey.

Now, the conversation with my dad continued and we were talking about social media, parenting etc, and for each topic my dad had at least one explosion of rage. I think the thing that really bothered me, was when he started going on and on about parents who have kids that act out. He was saying things like "just spank the fucking brat" and the like, which were upsetting for a couple of reasons. 1. My dad didn't spank us or call us names, so I don't get his logic there, just seems contradictory 2. My dad is STILL angry at his own parents for doing just those things. 

I have problems with yelling, I've been working on them for a very long time, and I've improved drastically. My dad, on the other hand(obviously), has not. As much as I know my relationship with my mother makes me upset, my relationship with my dad can also be strenuous at times, he's just so angry at mostly nothing. So, in light of a little self revelation, here's my list of things I will be reiterating to myself every time I start getting upset over nothing:

*I am not my mother*

I will not spank, slap, ground, scream, or belittle my children. I didn't like it, my children wouldn't either

*I am not my dad*

I will not Hulk out over every little thing. It's just a remote control, it's just a pen, it's just a box of kraft dinner past it's best before date(honestly, you think "Sh*t My Dad Says" is good/bad? You have heard NOTHING yet) I always HATED the yelling and the words "SHUT. UP." I am not doing that to my kids.

*I am not a toddler*

I will not slam cupboards, recycle with RAGE, cry over spilled milk. Monkey SEE Monkey DO, I don't want sad-angry monkeys destroying the house and themselves.

I will be doing my best to not become a basket case. I'm not going to be a distant, emotionless drone, and I'm not going to become the incredible hulk when my spoon bends in the ice cream. I have devised a little physical release I call "Breathe like a tree" for when my toddler flips out and when I'm becoming wound up. I say "breathe like a tree", then crouch down, slowly stand up and breathe deep, arms stretched out, palms out and fingers spread. I swish my arms or flutter my fingers(or both) and breath out, sometimes I balance on one leg and bend my other leg and place that foot on the inside of my balancing leg, like tree pose(I think, I don't do yoga). Anyway, it really does help, and my toddler things it's pretty funny. 

Who would have thought an early morning conversation with my dad and his intense(and ridiculous) hatred of teachers would lead to such a great release! I always say it, but I really should write more often, I feel so much better afterwards.

Leslie Michael

Numb with Feeling

It was a busy summer and fall started off with a possible move, but we're back to normal now and staying where we're planted at the moment. Things have been extremely busy but at the same time I feel like I'm personally stuck. I'm not growing as a person, I'm not sleeping well (I mean having a baby and a toddler you lose some sleep, but they're all crashed and I'm up all night watching netflix or cruising online articles), and I have been having a lot of anxiety. In the past I have suffered with moderate depression but that had a lot to do with circumstances that could be changed, which we changed. This feels different, and to be honest I'm pretty sure I've done it to myself again, I think my decision to "not care" anymore was a HUGE mistake.

(Have I ever mentioned that I interject humour at grossly inappropriate times?)

Anyway, I really did make a mistake by deciding to not care about things that stress me out, because I do still care about them, I just pretended they didnt matter. Now I feel numb, just totally checked out. I can't even cry when I know normally I would, or should, for that matter. I used to smoke when I was stressed, now I pull my hair out, I have a pretty large spont on my head where I'm missing quite a bit of hair, which sucks. On the brite side I'm not "polluting my lungs" as my grandpa says...lol. Tomorrow I start councilling so I'm hoping I can work on this stupid hair pulling and also on this whole feeling emotion thing again. Honestly, I should have known better then to just shut down my feelings, I've only been watching the consequences of that unfold my ENTIRE life with my mother, she's queen of emotional supression(my dad is no better in that regard to be honest). 

I have been limiting contact with my mom on the whole for awhile, I only really contact her once a month. It seems ridiculous but even though I dont want to talk to her, I get upset that she doesn't initiate contact. She hasn't actually been the first person to send a text or email since spring, pretty much since I reiterated my dislike for her boyfriend. My husband gets really annoyed by my mother's lack of effort, which I appreciate, but it makes me more upset thinking she is just further spreading discontent through her inaction. Whenever I start thinking about how shitty a mother she really is I start getting overwhelmed and just shut down before I can even process it, I feel like it's just killing my spirit and I'm tired of it. 

I'm so mentally exhausted. I've been on a rollercoaster of pure emotional bullshit since I was pregnant with my son. There has been family drama with my in laws, there has been family drama with my mother, there has been family drama with my own family, its just non-stop. Shit hits the fan for a month in one family, the mess is cleaned up, and then the next month a whole different issue within another part of the family just explodes, who wouldn't just say fuck it all and shut down after 3 years of straight chaos? For a bit I thought maybe I had postpartum depression, but hormones are not the problem here, my ability to cope just flew out the window after attempting to hold things together for too long(and really, Ive had to cope my entire life with my mothers choices, just the last 3 years have had this horrible compound effect). To top it all off, I have heard my mother say "I didn't have a mother, I didn't know how to be a mother" at least 5 times this year, if I hear that one more time I'm going to boil over. Guess what? I didn't have a mother either, but here I am, being a mom, and choosing to do the best I can. 

Ugh, it feels good to get that out.

I imagine I'll be back sooner than later, writing to strangers seems to be fairly therapeutic. 

Leslie Michael

#anxiety #trichotillomania #momblog #stress 

One Year Ago Yesterday

One year ago yesterday everything changed,

You lost your battle with an unknown war, a hidden war, a terrifying never ending mass of inner turmoil,

And now you're gone. 

But we aren't.

An we're left here to ponder away, the what if's, the should have known's, the obviously not so obvious.

The thoughts are fleeting, the confusion still burns, probably not as hot as that cold water churns.

The sorrow, the pain, the embarrassment, the shame,

The finger pointing, the blame,

Nothing will ever feel the same.

What were you thinking, what weren't you thinking,

Were you smoking, drinking? While you were sinking, sinking,

Drowning.Alone.Cold.Dark

Suicide is far from the solution, but knowledge is power.

You didn't have that knowledge, and you lost your war.

We miss you, we love you, and we wish we were more observant. 

p.s. Thanks for the sandwiches, steaks, and conversation.

One year ago my uncle jumped off of a pier and ended his life. He was under a tremendous amount of stress due to perceived money issues. He had always been an interesting person to talk with and he talked endlessly when provoked. 

He was often considered "lazy" by family and friends as he would get off work and just watch TV all night. Over the years the list of things he loved to do grew shorter. He stopped hunting, stopped fishing, stopped going to his friends to watch nascar or the baseball game. He stopped wanting to go to family events and when he was around others he'd sneak away and sleep in another room. He started to suffer from anxiety and paranoia but only his immediate family knew about it, they didn't know the full extent of his worries. The day before he killed himself he told his daughter he loved her, something very out of character(sadly).

If you know anyone who fits this description, talk to them and ask them if everything is alright. There is nothing worse then the feeling left after someone you love commits suicide, that feeling of "I knew something was off, why didn't I ask?" If you have ever had feelings of doubt, severe anxiety, and thought of suicide, PLEASE ask for help. My uncle is not the first person I know to commit suicide, I had two friends in highschool do it too, and it sucked just as bad then as it does now. I will never have closure, my aunt and cousins will never have closure, neither will my uncle's siblings or his mother. Suicide sucks, it leave's a raw wound that fades but never heals. Your personal pain may end when you die, but your suicide stings for the rest of your friends and family's lives, please get help before making such a final decision. 

Sorry for the depressing post, but hopefully it helps someone else where my uncle couldn't be helped.

Leslie

March Update...in June

Believe it or not it took the entire month of March to finally clear things up with my Mother. From the day I posted we spoke 3 times over the month; the first time, she tried to write off her boyfriends issues as someone else's fault/problem and to tell me she wasnt getting the job in town, the second time to tell me she was offered a different position in the store here, and the third time to tell me she was turning down the job here because they "low-balled" her and she was mysteriouly promoted in her current place of work. Let's just be clear, the month of March stressed me out to no end, and I didnt actually cut my mother out of my life after all. Huzzuh.

April was a month of anticipation as my due date was quickly(or not so quickly) approaching. Our baby girl was born safe and sound, one day after her estimated due date, at home with our wonderful midwives. My mother informed me a few days later that she would be coming to visit for the first full week of May. She didn't text me for 5 days so I asked her what her visit plans were when we skyped again and she said she would visit in June for a week(this was 6 days before she was apparently supposed to get here). Two days later she said she is coming for one week in July...make up your mind woman!

With my Mother's visit quickly approaching I have noticed that I'm starting to fall into this horrible habit I have, pulling out my hair, literally. I've done it most of my life, but never to the extent that I've been doing it over the last two years. I have actually created bald patches, it's annoying and embarassing. Luckily no one can see them but it makes me not want to go get my hair cut. I've at least identified that I have Trichotillomania, I told my husband, my brother, and a cousin about it. I've been trying to work on stopping myself and am looking into cognitive therapy for it because it's even harder to stop then biting my nails. I never realized how much all the stress I've been dealing with over the last 3-4 years has been affecting me until the hair pulling has come about, not fun!

I'm going to end this update here and make a separate post for what I want to get off my chest today as this post was actually started back in may. Sorry for anyone who reads but lets get serious here, this is an outlet not a money maker lol.

Leslie

In Limbo

I've been waiting and waiting for the right time to tell my mother that I know all about the wonderful details of her boyfriend's shady past. The time finally came to say somethning this past week, though be it via text messaging, but hey, at least I put it out there. Sigh.

How did the "right" moment for exposing my year and a half of hidden knowledge come to pass? My mother texted me that, yet again, she had been offered a job in my city, though this time as a manager instead of an assistant. She mentioned that she also had an interview in her city for a management position and that she was to talk  the district manager of that business on Friday(yesterday).

Prior to my mother texting me she had also texted my brother to let him know the news of the yet again possibly impending move. After the whole fiasco two months ago he was not about to be taken in by her definitely maybe attitude so he was very leary of her news. Our mother mentioned the job in our city was largely dependent on if her boyfriend would or could come with her. My brother let it out that he wanted nothing to do with her boyfriend and that I also have no desire for a relationship with someone like that. She was not happy about my brother's dissaproval and didn't understand why he didn't like her boyfriend, I have copies of the texts but have neither the care nor patience to post them here, you get the basic jist of the conversation anyway I'm sure.

Now, I didn't text my mother until the day after, and I played ignorance to her text conversation with my brother. She sent me the same story of the job offer but included that it depended on her boyfriend; she explained how supportive he is, how they're fighting but just because of being unhappy about their living situation at the moment, and that she really cared about him. This is when I dropped the bomb about everything; what I already knew last year when she and I skyped and I gave her the opportunity to spill the beans on her insane antics from the summer before; I explained my conversation with the officer about her boyfriends extensive criminal record; I explained that he's not someone I want to get to know anymore then I already do.

Relief doesn't even touch how much better I felt after letting go of my secret knowledge, it was like a wave of "I freaking did it!" washed over me followed by an immediate release of 1.5 years worth of knotted muscles. Breathing has even been easier. The problem now lays in my mother's lap, she told me that she has a difficult decision to make between coming back to our city with us or staying in her city with her boyfriend. She was apparently unaware of how long a criminal history he has so wanted to talk to him about it before "deciding". It's been 4 days and she hasn't contacted me to let me know what's been happening. I think I can safely say that she will be staying in her city, past experience tells me so.

So now what? When my mother calls or text's to let me know about her decision I've decided I will be cutting ties with her altogether. I have spent the last 20 years trying to get my mother to put my siblings and I first. Since I was 7 years old I have plead with her and tried to bribe her emotionally to see that we were the one's who really needed her and who she really needed. I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life trying to get someone to love me the way I love my own child. I feel bad enough my niece was exposed to my mother's charms, my mother has barely spoken to her when she had promised to call more often. I'm not going to have my child(ren) exposed to the same empty promises, they do not deserve to be let down by a woman that they'll barely even know. I love my mother dearly, but I just can't play the game anymore. She's taken us forgranted for far too long, most people wouldn't have been given so many chances and she needs to know that.

The wait for contact continues.

Happy Travels

I'm sitting in a Starbucks right now in Toronto, it's a bit windy out but its still fairly mild. I had an appointment with a specialist due to a work related injury so I was flown here yesterday and don't leave until this evening, I have some time to kill!

After my last post I was really fighting through some of the accompanying emotions, my feelings regarding my mother never get any easier todeal with. I think I've come to the conclusion that regardless of whether I "confront" her or not things will continue to remain the same. She's always going to be full of empty promises, she's always going to be lost in some tug of war between her romantic relationships and her past, all while my siblings and I are left to watch from the sidelines. It's unfortunate and it's certainly unfair, but it's also reality.
Reality sucks.

I think my focus needs to be on myself and my own relationships, I need to be the kind of mother my mom can't be. I need to be reliable, dependable, and interested in my children. Having someone who is supposed to be your mom but after 27 years still just doesn't have a clue who you are as a person is amazingly frustrating, I can't afford to be that person and my kids deserve better then that.

I need to focus on being a good partner to my husband, it kills him to see me upset or lost in my thoughts over a woman who spends more time thinking about herself then anyone else. I'd much rather be present in a real and tangible relationship then be lost in something largely imaginary. I've spent more physical hours with my husband in the last 6.5 years then I've spent with my mother in the last 15 years so it's not really a question as to who deserves my attention and presence.

I need to spend more time with my dad, he can be a "selective asshole", but it's never towards my siblings and I, and its usually pretty hilarious. My dad was by no means perfect, there are some things about him I wish he'd change, particularly the drinking and his tendency to bring up my mother in discussion, but he's still the man who raised me. My son needs to spend more time with his grandpa, I want him and my other future children to have a good relationship with a very important man. Who knows, maybe more time with the grandkids will help my dad move on from the hurt my mother caused him, it's worth a try anyways.

I need and deserve to spend more time with me. When I am alone in my thoughts I need to be able to be at peace and not constantly plagued by this or that ordeal my mother has put me through. Like my dad I slip into the past too often, I need to just accept that things are what they are.

Acceptance...it's probably the hardest thing to reach in a difficult situation. It's one of those things that comes with time and a great deal of grief. The grief seems to be worth it though, you can't be upset when you're finally free to be happy.

Freedom, I need to be free.

New Year, Same Old Story

A couple of years ago I made the mistake of buying into the possibility  that my mom would be moving back to my city. I have made the same mistake repeatedly over the years, buying into something she mentions that she hasn't thought through, only to get my hopes up for something I knew would never happen. Story of my life!

Last Spring my mom brought up her annually announced desire to move back to my city, after the incident from the spring before I knew better then to read into it. Fast forward to this past November and my Mom decides that she's tired of living so far away...again. She brought it up several times and in December mentioned she noticed a job listing locally she was planning on applying for. Now, I know not to buy into her whims, and I didn't think that anything would become of this particular whim, but I made the mistake of telling my brother about it. He, of course, got really excited and texted my mom a few questions and then she let him know she had an interview over skype coming up. Surprise, surprise, the interview fell through and my brother immediately fell into a 3 day anxiety ridden depression. I felt like an idiot because I should have never told him about our moms supposed plans, especially with the holidays.

A week later my mom texted my brother that the interview was rescheduled for the 30th, yet again my brother starts getting excited. Now, prior to this whole apparent job prospect my mom had mentioned more then once that if she came back it would probably be alone, her boyfriend couldnt come last time so she didnt think he could come this time (this admission, that there's some "obscure" reason why her boyfriend can't leave the province, re-ignites the silent rage I have inside over finding out he's some kind of life long criminal that is currently on probation, a fact she has yet to personally tell me...$%#*&!). My brother had offered my mom a place to stay since she'd be alone, he was not just opening his heart to her, but opening his home as well, another heart breaking reason for me to feel terrible about even mentioning things in the first place.

Over the weekend my mom texted me and asked to skype, I obliged as I hadn't spoken to her since the first week of December, we texted on her birthday and Christmas but that was it. I asked her how her interview went and she was hesitant but mentioned she had a second interview coming up. I told her that sounded promising and then she sighed a bit and mentioned her "back-up" plan. She talked about taking a certificate program at the college, one that would help her attain a  higher level position in her line of work. Now, sometimes, more like all the time, my mom thinks she can pull a fast one on me, little does she know I'm a master at reading body language and can decipher any amount of pure bullshit told to me, for that I can thank my dad. My mom told me that the certificate she wants to take is offered at the college where I live as well as where she lives. She then went on to explain that she could take it in either college but that the college in my city has mature students that can audit but not recieve the certificate. Honest to God, if I could have slapped her in the face through the tv I would have. I'm 27, I've been to University, I know what auditing is, and anyone can do it, but to be considered a mature student means you're a registered and paying student. What my mom was trying to do was convince me that it would be better for her to take the course at her local college. This is why honesty is the best policy, you never know who has a functioning and highly accurate bullshit-ometre.

What all this round about garbage about college means is that even if my mom was offered this job, she would turn it down and stay in her city. Yet again, she spoke before she thought about it, and yet again a "definitely, maybe" has become another "maybe not". I'm just so sick and tired of playing coy with my mom, I can't hold in all this anger towards her without eventually exploding. I already apologized to my brother, I explained that I should have never told him because I knew from the moment it was mentioned that our mom was not coming back. What really bogs me down is the fact I even feel the need to apologize for my mom's behaviour, it's just exhausting thinking about it. My husband is also pissed off at my mom again, he doesn't really care for her for various related reasons but he particularly loathes the way she leads myself and my brothers on.

The fact is I'm tired of pretending I don't know what's really going on, I shouldn't pretend either because it just makes my mom more confident about her ridiculous excuses. I'm tired of feeling the need to explain why my mom does what she does, I too need to stop making excuses for her. Maybe this is the year I get a back bone and say what needs to be said, about everything, no more beating around the bush and worrying about her feelings(She certainly doesn't worry about ours).

Then again, maybe it's not.

Pregnant with a Side of Rage

I'm back for the second time today and it feels great :). As mentioned, my husband and I are expecting again and we're very excited, while our 17 month old son remains (expectedly), oblivious. Having a toddler running around being a nutcase while pregnant is quite the feat, I knew it would be a challenge but I'm not sure I fully anticipated the lack of energy I would have! Regardless of my fatigue we're all making due and I love my little scientist-explorer and the ball of energy in my belly.

Over the last several months I have had some above average levels of stress, I had even dropped 9lbs by my fourth month of pregnancy! The main source of my frustrations came from a workplace injury and subsequent harrassment about said injury from a few nosey co-workers. The work business has been all taken care of but I am still feeling the effects of 6+ weeks of pure hell. I have had a short fuse as a result of the negativity and I seem to go from calm to hulk in a blink. I find myself yelling far too often and although I'm by no means a violent person, I would be fibbing if I denied a few moments of recycling bag fury in the recent weeks. Though I sometimes find it funny after the fact, I mostly feel awful for losing control.

My Dad was, and still is, a yeller. I do not want to be the mom who yells over everything, and I do not want to be the yelling wife either. As much as my work environment was the pits, I have also been dealing with my Uncle's death suicide at a distance, as well as my Mother causing my Brother some major disapointment over an interview she may or may not have bailed on. Throw in Christmas and now a family wedding and I feel like I am suffocating.

Every time I start losing my temper I am instantly reminded of how my Mother would yell at us, spank us, and then disappear into her room or sleep on the couch for hours... it makes me *cringe*. When I yell it makes me think of when my dad would explode with rage over what was often spilled milk. Recently, I was pointed into the direction of The Orange Rhino and have found that to be a cute and helpful tool, though I have found talking and writing about my anger to be quite therapeutic as well.

Does anyone know of any good books that deal with anger? Particularly anything related to suppressing emotions and then erupting into non-violent rage? Furthermore, if you have had the experience of losing control(what human being hasn't), how do you deal with it, and what, if any, preventative measure do you try to take for the next outburst?

Thanks in advance for any thoughts, I will be back very soon!
Bye for now,
Leslie Michael

Well, Then.

After a 7 month hiatus I'm ready to continue this blog. There's a great deal of inner turmoil that surfaces once you start writing things down and it's amazing how quickly you can overwhelm yourself with buried emotions.

The last 7 months have been interesting to say the least. I went back to work from maternity leave while already(just barely), pregnant, the month before my uncle commited suicide, we had some major structural renovations done to our home, and not once but twice this year my Mom has talked about "definitely maybe" moving back to my city. Also, The sister I've reffered to and mentioned as being transgendered will from here on out be written in as my brother, I never call him she so why would I call him my sister still. 

I think that although I want to be able to write about my relationship with my Mother, I dont want this to feel like some kind of mobius circle of pain and suffering. I am, generally, pretty happy, so I feel like for this to work for me I need to have a better balance of light hearted posts, I can't do all doom and gloom as it brings me down!

Well that's my mini update, I'll be following with a post about some anger issues I've been having as well as writing about my pregnancy thus far. 

Bye for now!

Leslie Michael

Having a very mobile and energetic 9mth+ old has definitely made posting here near the bottom of my priority list these days(the very bottom of the list includes but is not limited to, folding the finished laundry, scooping the dog doody in the backyard, and lets not forget, actually bringing the recycling to the curb) Motherhood is a busy but rewarding job for me, it's something I've always wanted to do. It's pretty blatant that my mother's dreams had little to do with mothering. I'm still not sure what her dreams are, I don't think she even knows, though I suspect that deep down what she really wants in life is freedom.

Parenthood on the whole is a crazy adventure. New parents turn to their own parents for advice and tips on child-rearing, they don't always agree with the advice, but often take it with a grain of salt. I know there are many of us out there who don't turn to good ol' ma' and pop' for parenting tips, there's not a lot to be learned from those who abused or neglected us. My mother was not a good parent, she wasn't even really a parent, but my dad on the other hand was pretty amazing considering what he had to deal with.

What kind of parenting skills did I learn from my dad? The important one's. First, I learned that spanking isn't necessary, I received two spankings from him that were very well deserved, but that was it(My mother on the other hand, practically beat me on a daily basis before she left). I also learned that children are not stupid and should not be treated as such. My dad hated the word stupid, so he never used it and he never once talked down to me or my siblings. I always felt special because my dad not only talked to me like another adult, but also because he'd debate with me about social and political issues, even though I was only 11. In contrast, whenever I voiced my opinions about similar issues with my mother she would tell me I was too young to understand what I was talking about. My dad never grounded us, he thought it only encouraged rebellion, and he was right as far as I'm concerned. My dad only ever told us to do something once, we were never allowed to debate his decisions, he stood firm at all times. My dad let us question authority, I was always encouraged to be outspoken, especially when it came to ethics. My dad was supportive as a father, but there are some things I learned he didn't intend to teach me. My dad swore too much and yelled too much, I do remember being scared of him for a time, especially after my mother left us. My dad wasn't home enough; between working long hours or working out of town for months, we sometimes only saw our dad half the year, but he didn't really have a choice. My dad went out too much and put too much responsibility on me at too young of an age.
My dad is amazing and I love him, but he always went to the bar to "sign in" after work, and on weekends he would leave the house by 2pm to go "run errands" and then not come home until 11pm or later, my siblings and I missed more then one activity as a result of our dad's drinking habits. I learned that you really have to pay attention to your children and what they're doing. I was very depressed for close to two years as a child, I would fake sick on a daily basis, I would stay home after my dad left for work, I even did self-harm and had thoughts of suicide. I managed to figure things out for myself, but my dad didn't understand what was going on, he wasn't around enough to see that I was depressed and suffering from extreme social anxiety.
Everyone has their challenges in life to deal with, I'm thankful for my experiences, good and bad, because I know that I will be able to help my children the way my mother, and my dad, couldn't help me growing up. Thankfully I have the ability to empathize to the nth degree, I don't really have any questions as a parent to ask my parents, but I do wish that I could talk to my mother about challenging situations and know she was telling me the truth. Instead I get to listen to her "helpful" advice about what I "need" to do, along with what she tells me she believes she did with myself and my siblings. I guess the only truth I can really count on is my own.

My brother was over the other day and we were chatting about our Mother, something he's only really just started feeling comfortable with. I was describing the last post I wrote, and how this blog has really been helping me sort through my feelings. My brother told me he still can't process what happened last summer, because he was still mad and hurt that our mother didn't come back "home" last spring like she had promised. It's funny, but I have spent so much time being frustrated with my mother over the fight with my sister and her husband that I completely forgot about the spring incident.

Last spring my mother told myself and my siblings that she would, most definitely, be moving back "home". For about 3 years she's been lamenting to me about how she feels so distanced from us all(because once a week, 4 hour visits for 10 years made us so close), how she misses us, and how she just wants to get back to normal, whatever she thinks that is. 3 years ago my mother ended the relationship she had with the man whom she left my dad for, the longest relationship she ever had. The man she left was a total prick, there's nothing good to say about him. She left him, lived on her own for maybe 2-3 months, then moved in with a new man. Prior to her planned move, I expressed my and my siblings feelings about her boyfriend, and those feelings changed all of her plans. Her boyfriend happens to be an alcoholic criminal, with an extensive record, so, understandably, not one of us, wanted him around. I brought up to my mother a few incidents with this boyfriend of hers last march and she was mortified(Her boyfriend had called both my sister and I while extremely inebriated and crying(on several occasions) about nothing audible while my mother was not even home). She was going to break up with him and move home by herself but apparently her boyfriend really was a good guy and was going to change, so she would be staying where she was; sounds like the earmark of a co-dependent person I do believe.

How did I manage to forget my Mother was supposed to move home last year? I didn't so much forget as I just gave up caring, and of course her lack of help and support through the most important milestone I've had yet-to-date really over-shadowed her last minute change-of-heart. When my brother brought up how my mother backed out of moving home, I remembered how mad I really was. The difference between my brother and I is that I wasn't mad at my mother, I was mad at myself for believing her, after 20 years I should really know better. *sigh*

I think it's safe to state that most mother's know their children's likes, wants, and needs, and often times, better then their own. I have personally encountered this dynamic through the various friendships I've held over the years, and through extended family. I do not have this relationship with my mother, and neither do any of my siblings. In fact, my mother knows so very little about us, that we are no longer shocked by her absurd generalizations of our personalities, though I can't say that I have always been indifferent to my mothers strange perceptions.

My mother is the type of person who gets very distressed if you do not absolutely love something she has given you. On my tenth birthday my mother bought me a pair of tapered jeans with charms on the pocket. The charms were neat, but tapered(which went on to evolve into "stretch skinnies", for the younger crowd who may be reading) jeans were not in fashion. If I went to school wearing tapered pants I would be guaranteed to be made fun of, and I had enough things to deal with already(or so I believed). I told her the jeans were nice but I didn't like the cut and asked if I could exchange them. My mother went on for half an hour about how nice the jeans really were and how silly I was for worrying about other's opinions. She made me feel stupid and selfish for wanting something different, especially after she put so much thought and love into this gift of all gifts. Even my mother's jerk boyfriend explained that they just weren't the "style", but it didn't stop her from ranting. The next visit I was presented with the exact same pair of jeans one size up, because apparently one size up made the jeans completely different and lovable.

My mother thought I loved tapered jeans just as much as my tom-boy sister loved elegant jewelry. For some reason my mother generally bought things my brother actually liked, though as he got older she started buying him more "sensitive" or "new age" items including a dream-catcher with purple glass accents(I love it, it's in my porch), and the odd "collect-able" knock off like the "one ring" from lord of the rings. My mother's gifts to us are a pretty good representation of what she believes our personalities to be. I'm not kidding when I say that she gave my tom-boy sister(who's actually transgendered) dainty jewels . My mother viewed my sister as a delicate flower, just waiting to "blossom" one day. In my mother's mind, my sister would stop wearing mostly men's clothing and accessories and finally accept that little woman inside her. Actually, I always loved the jewelry my sister was given and often ended up wearing it. My sister would get mad at me, not because she liked the jewelry, but because I was wearing something she received from my mother(she always equated my mother's gifts as my mother's love).

My mother had a habit of buying me things she thought were trendy, which, like the tapered jeans, usually came 3 years too late. She always thought of me as a bit of an airhead, and told me last year that Jackie from "That 70's show" always reminded her of me. I was none to thrilled to hear that comparison. For one, I was never a cheer leader. I had boyfriends in highschool, but I wasn't boy "crazy", I often was broken up with because I wasn't a slut. That comparison brought back the memory of an equally inaccurate and anger inducing statement made by my mother during a visit I stayed home from. My sister told me that one night my mother, brother and her were watching tv. A commercial for "Girls gone wild" came on and there was a girl who flashed the camera, laughing and drunk. My mother laughed and exclaimed "There's Leslie in ten years". My sister was mortified and promptly defended me saying I was nothing like that girl, to the apparent surprise of my mother.

These are just a few examples of how little my mother knows about any of us, or maybe they're examples of the lives she's mentally manufactured each of us to live. I wish the life she envisioned me to have involved more then some bimbo persona, it's disheartening knowing that someone you love thinks you're literally "too pretty" to think reasonably. I shouldn't let it get to me, but sometimes I get so exhausted trying to rationalize my mother's thoughts that I just let go and allow them to infiltrate my mind. At least I have the ability to shake my head out and remember I'm not the one with the problem, thank god(or whomever you choose) for that!

Forever Questions

Sitting down and feeding my baby is an amazing feeling; when I breastfeed I think about how incredible it is that this now 6 month old child grew from a few gamates, into a zygote and blastula which turned into this amazing little human being. I look at him and think "you're so perfect". I look at him and stroke his cheek and kiss him on the forehead, and I wonder, did my mother ever feel the way about me that I feel about him?

I'm the only child my mother communicates with on a regular basis. Whether by text message, email, phone call, or skype, my mother speaks to me. I feel guilty about this as my siblings who crave my mothers attention and love never seem to get what they want, and it's always been this way. I have spent out of all my siblings, the most time with my mother. Between growing up, the random outings, and now the communication, I know far more about my mother and her reasoning then my other 3 siblings combined. Sometimes, I wish I didn't.

My mother confides in me. She has told me things that both help and hinder our relationship, but she withholds the same information from my siblings, and I really don't know why. I often wonder if she places value on me because I have a solid grasp on reality where she doesn't. I'm strong, I really am, and  as I've said, I can empathize with almost anyone. When my mother is having problems, she talks to me about them, and I help the best I can. Normally I think this would be fine, but this is not a reciprocal relationship, at this stage it never will be.

I sit, and I look at my son, and I pledge that I will never ever rely on him for my emotional well being. I'm never going to call him looking for answers to problems I've created for myself. In life, things happen that are beyond our control, but at some point we have to re-assess the things that seem to recur  and decide whether or not we are perpetuating them.

When I was born I'm sure that my mother loved me, but I'm also sure that she didn't believe that she'd be looking to me for advice. Sometimes I think that she resents my knowledge, especially when she gets an answer she was hoping to avoid. When I was born my mother loved me, but I was just a child to her, not a person with an opinion. Even now, when I give her my input, she finds a way to belittle my thoughts, the difference being that now I realize she's just trying to cope with the reality that she hasn't grown up yet. Still, she ask's what I think about this idea, or that circumstance, and I feel obliged, but also feel an innate duty, to answer her honestly.

I feed my baby and wonder, what did my mother think her life would be like?

I can try and understand

When I was growing up people would always comment on how it must be hard without my mother around. When I was 19, I met an old family friend who admitted when she heard what my mom did to us she wanted to "knock her out". I have never met a person who said "she must have had her reasons for leaving" and I find myself mostly blaming her selfishness and co-dependency problems on her clouded decisions. I would be lying if I said I didn't understand to an extent about why my mother is who she is, I've been gifted with the ability to empathize(not sympathize) with almost anyone, so here are some thoughts.

My mother lived a very traumatic life as a child. Her father beat her mother to death in in a drunken rage while both my mother and her brother were home. She lived in foster care, where my own dad suspects there was abuse based on things my mother has said, and when she was 11 her father was released from prison. My grandfather married a woman with 5 children so he was granted custody of his children after release, a very big mistake. My mother and her brother were physically and sexually abused, their father would beat them, and one of their step siblings molested them. My grandfather died of a cardiac arrest as he was strangling and beating my mother when she was 13 or 14. I'm not sure if she continued to live with her fathers second wife, or went awol, but all I know is that by 18 she was pregnant.

Not everyone who's victimized ends up like my mother, but unfortunately with no stable household, my mother was never able to learn how to deal with trauma. My mother is a runner, she runs from anything that is stable and thrives off of chaos. It is frustrating to deal with, but I do understand it to an extent. My mother is unable to empathize with anyone else's shortcoming's, and is socially inept, she has no friends, and she has had to move jobs due to conflicts with women she works with. My mother is incapable of accepting the blame when she does something wrong, she always blames others for her actions. Oddly, if her spouse is angry at her, she "knows" she did the "provoking", spoken like a true victim.

When I was 11 my mother told me that no matter what, your spouse will always be there for you, your family grows up and moves on, that simple idea reveals some of her fears. My mother has a fear of abandonment, she is always the first to move on in a relationship, and she only moves on once there's a sure thing lined up. She left us for "greener" pastures, but has only been in abusive controlling relationships since. I sometimes wonder if my mother's choice in men helps her numb the pain of leaving her children. I wonder if she left us because she worried we would become victims. I also wonder if she was able to make false memories of us because of all the drama she has had to endure with her partners. Maybe those inaccurate memories helped her cope with the reality of an abusive boyfriend. Only she knows, but I have a feeling there is truth to my speculations.

We weren't the first

My mother had my siblings and I while she was with my dad, but we were not her only children, nor the only family she had ever created. My older sister was born ten years before I was when my mother was 18. Life was hard for my mother, she did not have an ideal upbringing, and she has never made good relationship choices. As a result of the wrong choices, my mother found herself pregnant, and alone.

When my mother had my sister she was young and confused. Though she wasn't ready for a baby, she kept my sister for quite some time. My mother lived with my sister's great-grandmother for a long time, though from what I understand, it was the great-grandmother doing a lot of the baby care. Eventually, my mother moved out with my sister and that's where things took a downward turn. My dad has told me many stories about my mother, many I thought were exaggerations, but after hearing the same stories from other people, I know they were true. My dad told me my mother was confronted one winter day by my sister's aunt and uncle, they stopped her as my sister had no mitt's on, was very soiled, and my mother was dazed. They took her back to their house and spoke with her about how she was neglecting her baby and if she couldn't care for her that she needed to find someone who could. Shortly after the intervention my sister went into the care of her paternal grandmother and my mother never looked back... that is until my brother contacted the long lost sibling he(we all) craved to meet.

My sister was around 14 months old when my mother walked away and moved to a new city, this is something I can not fathom, but was likely for the best. How could she do this not once, but twice? I always felt bad for my sister even though I hadn't met her, I felt sad that she was abandoned by my mother and that I didn't know her. It's silly to think about that now, as my mother abandoned us too, and it was probably more traumatizing as we had a longer working memory of my mother. My sister was likely miserable without my mother initially, but baby's can be very resilient to stress; 4,5, and 7 year old's aren't as quick to bounce back from abandonment.

How do you feel about mother's leaving their children?