Friday, 27 December 2013

Pregnant with a Side of Rage

I'm back for the second time today and it feels great :). As mentioned, my husband and I are expecting again and we're very excited, while our 17 month old son remains (expectedly), oblivious. Having a toddler running around being a nutcase while pregnant is quite the feat, I knew it would be a challenge but I'm not sure I fully anticipated the lack of energy I would have! Regardless of my fatigue we're all making due and I love my little scientist-explorer and the ball of energy in my belly.

Over the last several months I have had some above average levels of stress, I had even dropped 9lbs by my fourth month of pregnancy! The main source of my frustrations came from a workplace injury and subsequent harrassment about said injury from a few nosey co-workers. The work business has been all taken care of but I am still feeling the effects of 6+ weeks of pure hell. I have had a short fuse as a result of the negativity and I seem to go from calm to hulk in a blink. I find myself yelling far too often and although I'm by no means a violent person, I would be fibbing if I denied a few moments of recycling bag fury in the recent weeks. Though I sometimes find it funny after the fact, I mostly feel awful for losing control.

My Dad was, and still is, a yeller. I do not want to be the mom who yells over everything, and I do not want to be the yelling wife either. As much as my work environment was the pits, I have also been dealing with my Uncle's death suicide at a distance, as well as my Mother causing my Brother some major disapointment over an interview she may or may not have bailed on. Throw in Christmas and now a family wedding and I feel like I am suffocating.

Every time I start losing my temper I am instantly reminded of how my Mother would yell at us, spank us, and then disappear into her room or sleep on the couch for hours... it makes me *cringe*. When I yell it makes me think of when my dad would explode with rage over what was often spilled milk. Recently, I was pointed into the direction of The Orange Rhino and have found that to be a cute and helpful tool, though I have found talking and writing about my anger to be quite therapeutic as well.

Does anyone know of any good books that deal with anger? Particularly anything related to suppressing emotions and then erupting into non-violent rage? Furthermore, if you have had the experience of losing control(what human being hasn't), how do you deal with it, and what, if any, preventative measure do you try to take for the next outburst?

Thanks in advance for any thoughts, I will be back very soon!
Bye for now,
Leslie Michael

Well, Then.

After a 7 month hiatus I'm ready to continue this blog. There's a great deal of inner turmoil that surfaces once you start writing things down and it's amazing how quickly you can overwhelm yourself with buried emotions.

The last 7 months have been interesting to say the least. I went back to work from maternity leave while already(just barely), pregnant, the month before my uncle commited suicide, we had some major structural renovations done to our home, and not once but twice this year my Mom has talked about "definitely maybe" moving back to my city. Also, The sister I've reffered to and mentioned as being transgendered will from here on out be written in as my brother, I never call him she so why would I call him my sister still. 

I think that although I want to be able to write about my relationship with my Mother, I dont want this to feel like some kind of mobius circle of pain and suffering. I am, generally, pretty happy, so I feel like for this to work for me I need to have a better balance of light hearted posts, I can't do all doom and gloom as it brings me down!

Well that's my mini update, I'll be following with a post about some anger issues I've been having as well as writing about my pregnancy thus far. 

Bye for now!

Leslie Michael