Monday, 16 November 2015

Seriously. Can't. Even.

It has taken months to process the visit I had with my mother this year. Months. She came in July for just over a week and it seemed to go smoothly, but, like every time she comes to town, I allowed myself be let down. 

The let down started with the odd critical comment, and ended with her last night in my home spent listening to a beligerent drunk. Un-fucking believable. The day she left I had avoided her as I was just pissed beyond belief how drunk she got ALONE. No one else was "drinking" as I'm pregnant, and it was the middle of my husbands work week. I didn't talk about her visit for almost 2 weeks because I was so angry, and since July have spoken to her for maybe 35 minutes total between two phone calls. I just can't even anymore.

I'm getting too old to deal with or care about this parental relationship. I can't handle the things my mother posts online, she's tagging me in a million Facebook posts, including a picture of her idiot ex boyfriend at a funeral, why in the fuck would I want to see that alcoholic criminal? I can guarantee she showed him pictures of myself and my children, I'm restricting her access to everything of mine from now on. My husband has mentioned random things from my mom's visit that further piss me off, like how she was using my coffee grinder and it died and exclaimed "I'm not used to using such cheap stuff". Meanwhile, she sent me the fucking coffee grinder with a french press and a HALF EMPTY BAG OF COFFEE BEANS for my brithday 5 years prior. Seriously, what a bitch! I'm so done with her and her self righteous, snot faced, entitled, self-centred, bullshit attitude. Then she has the nerve to half joke about us building her a cabin on our property for her to retire in (on an instagram post). Fat chance! There will be exactly ZERO relatives living with my family and I on our property. I'd rather shoot myself in the foot then ever have my mother living with us or near us. Ragey doesn't even begin to describe how I'm still feeling 5 months later. 

On top of the latent visit rage, I've come to realize that I have allowed myself to be treated like a poor orphan for many years. A few close relationships have involved a lot of pity from the other person, always sad to think about me "not having a mom" growing up. I haven't really thought much about this generalization until recently so couldn't see what it meant for those relationships. I've since come to the understanding that these people not only feel sorry for me and pity me, they have taken it upon themselves to try and "mother" me. I didn't notice the dynamic before, but now as a 2 time, soon to be 3 time mother, I realize that these people have completely infantilized me, and it pisses me off. I'm mad about it because I let it happen, over and over again, and I'm pissed off because these people still don't see me as a full fledged adult. Even though I'm married. Even though I have children. Even though we are on our second house. Even though I actually do have a mother, albeit an absent, selfish and heavily judgemental one. It's been a rude awakening to say the least, but I'm glad that I have opened my eyes and can see that my own difficulties with my mother have been further perpetuated by accepting the pity of others. Better to figure it out now at least so I can stop allowing people to view a victim.

Anyway, feeling hugely pregnant and now fatigued after my vent here, hope there are people out there that find all this swearing and complaining

Saturday, 20 June 2015

A Free Moment Warrants a Post

Life happens and things have been extremely busy, there is no resting with two kids, and that's fine by me. I've realized that I haven't been doing much in regard to letting my emotions out and it has been detrimental to my day to day life. I've been stressed out, I've had anxiety for months, I've pulled out my hair at times, and I've been snappy with everyone. I constantly feel like when I talk to my mom I have to guide her and explain things to her that I shouldn't have to. I often feel like I'm her mother and not the other way around and frankly, I don't know what to do about that anymore. 

My mom has been living on her own for 6 months, which is a huge step for her considering her co-dependency issues. Things aren't exactly hunky-dory though, her ex boyfriend is still randomly contacting her and she just doesn't think anything of it. I have the hardest time understanding how someone could essentially be stalking you and you not recognize that it's stalking, like wth. Her last interaction with him she "felt bad for him" after running into him at the grocery store. She said he was skinny and complained of having no money and was crying. She bought him $40 worth of groceries and he explained he realized that my mom was not ready for a relationship when they started dating. My mom told me that she was glad he could see she wasn't ready and wasn't interested anymore. The thing is, his statement didn't actually indicate that he was letting go of her, it indicated that he actually blames her for their break up, and her buying him groceries and giving him a shoulder to essentially cry on, along with a goodbye hug, just cements his feelings that somehow things will work out. My mom has no innate ability to spot deceit, and it's terrifying to think about.

Speaking of deceit, I also had to explain to my mom about catfish, as in the online predators. She was taken in by someone claiming to be a millionaire with a company and the whole works. It happened literally in less then 24hours, she went from single to "in a relationship" on facebook with a "man" that's had no friends on his friends list, and had just created his "business" page. I did some private investigation work and within 3 hours found out everything I needed to confirm to my mom that this man was not a real person(what a shit show that could have been). Luckily, my mom has no money so she wouldn't get too far in one of these fake relationships, but that still didn't stop her form giving the guy her phone number within the first 2 hours of chatting with him(wtaf, right?).

On the topic of money, my mom was supposed to be coming to town in I guess 3 weeks from now. Last years she had no money as the year before she cancelled her trip here to take an expensive trip(on credit) with her idiot boyfriend(it was decided after I had told her her boyfriend was essentially an emotionally abusive,manipulative ass, that would never be welcome around my children). Anyway, she's claiming bankruptcy so I highly doubt she's coming. I am really annoyed because instead of just saying :sorry I can't come due to financial ruin", she just keeps saying "we'll see what happens". 

I just don't even know how to even anymore. My councilor I saw once in the fall(I really need to get my shit together and start going again) asked me why this relationship was so important to me when all it does is cause me grief. I have been reflecting on a few relationships now and honestly don't know why I put so much time into things that have little, if any return on my emotional investment. The other relationships I have that aren't reciprocal I have basically stopped engaging in (family and friendships I mean here), but for whatever reason I have remained my mothers keeper. I can't seem to shed this role and I don't know why. Maybe it's because after every major incident with her I don't see or speak with her for weeks or months. I feel like I do a whole lot of rug sweeping with my mom, but now, all the beating in the world wont get my rugs clean, the dirt has permeated my life and the only thing to do is just throw the damn things out. Why do simple solutions always seem so god damn hard?