Monday, 16 November 2015

Seriously. Can't. Even.

It has taken months to process the visit I had with my mother this year. Months. She came in July for just over a week and it seemed to go smoothly, but, like every time she comes to town, I allowed myself be let down. 

The let down started with the odd critical comment, and ended with her last night in my home spent listening to a beligerent drunk. Un-fucking believable. The day she left I had avoided her as I was just pissed beyond belief how drunk she got ALONE. No one else was "drinking" as I'm pregnant, and it was the middle of my husbands work week. I didn't talk about her visit for almost 2 weeks because I was so angry, and since July have spoken to her for maybe 35 minutes total between two phone calls. I just can't even anymore.

I'm getting too old to deal with or care about this parental relationship. I can't handle the things my mother posts online, she's tagging me in a million Facebook posts, including a picture of her idiot ex boyfriend at a funeral, why in the fuck would I want to see that alcoholic criminal? I can guarantee she showed him pictures of myself and my children, I'm restricting her access to everything of mine from now on. My husband has mentioned random things from my mom's visit that further piss me off, like how she was using my coffee grinder and it died and exclaimed "I'm not used to using such cheap stuff". Meanwhile, she sent me the fucking coffee grinder with a french press and a HALF EMPTY BAG OF COFFEE BEANS for my brithday 5 years prior. Seriously, what a bitch! I'm so done with her and her self righteous, snot faced, entitled, self-centred, bullshit attitude. Then she has the nerve to half joke about us building her a cabin on our property for her to retire in (on an instagram post). Fat chance! There will be exactly ZERO relatives living with my family and I on our property. I'd rather shoot myself in the foot then ever have my mother living with us or near us. Ragey doesn't even begin to describe how I'm still feeling 5 months later. 

On top of the latent visit rage, I've come to realize that I have allowed myself to be treated like a poor orphan for many years. A few close relationships have involved a lot of pity from the other person, always sad to think about me "not having a mom" growing up. I haven't really thought much about this generalization until recently so couldn't see what it meant for those relationships. I've since come to the understanding that these people not only feel sorry for me and pity me, they have taken it upon themselves to try and "mother" me. I didn't notice the dynamic before, but now as a 2 time, soon to be 3 time mother, I realize that these people have completely infantilized me, and it pisses me off. I'm mad about it because I let it happen, over and over again, and I'm pissed off because these people still don't see me as a full fledged adult. Even though I'm married. Even though I have children. Even though we are on our second house. Even though I actually do have a mother, albeit an absent, selfish and heavily judgemental one. It's been a rude awakening to say the least, but I'm glad that I have opened my eyes and can see that my own difficulties with my mother have been further perpetuated by accepting the pity of others. Better to figure it out now at least so I can stop allowing people to view a victim.

Anyway, feeling hugely pregnant and now fatigued after my vent here, hope there are people out there that find all this swearing and complaining

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