Saturday, 11 February 2017

Hello again

Wow! I can't believe how long it's been since I last wrote, doesn't feel as long as it's been. 2016 was incredibly busy. We had another baby and did a ton of work to our home. The year was really rough for me emotionally, I isolated myself from friends and family and was more depressed then I realized. I did start medication for anxiety finally, it was a LONG time coming, I finally feel myself for the first time in ages. 2017 has been off to a much more emotionally stable start.

On the mother front, I have finally taken a hiatus from the relationship. I was having a lot of anxiety about her planned visit late last summer, I was dreading it like the plague that is gastroenteritis. A month before she was supposed to fly here, I let her know of a couple motels she could stay in(the year before she had said she'd get a hotel somewhere so she could "actually relax" next visit). Well, those suggestions led to radio silence from her. I finally found out she was not flying to town after my brother talked to her once her vacation started. Fun conversation they had.

My mom has been doing this "woe is me" pity party for the past 10 years. She starts out talking about how she couldn't do any better, then moves on to not knowing how to be a mom, poor me, MY life is hard. While I know her life has been hard, mine has not been some walk in the park. What really gets to me about her meltdowns is that she has never once turned to any of my siblings or myself and said "I'm so sorry for not being there when you needed me". Not one time, it's always how sad she is, or how hard she had it, or how she didnt or couldn't or wouldnt do something. It's all about her. When my brother spoke with her last year, it was the same old yearly pity party. He told me about it and it finally just hit me like a brick wall, she only cares about herself. She only does things to benefit her, to make her the most comfortable, and to boost her ego. If I ever hear the phrase "I didn't know how to be a mother, I didn't have a mother" again, I'm going to explode. Guess what? I DIDN'T HAVE A MOTHER EITHER! Yet here I am, 3 kids later, momming hard, no excuses. That was the catalyst for stepping back from the relationship with my mother, and it's been a calming 7 months.

Some people are really uncomfortable with the idea of cutting off a family member, usually it's because they've been indoctrinated with this idea that family is family. I'm calling bullshit. Sometimes family is toxic, and it's okay to put that relationship on hold, or disolve it altogether. If someone is hurting you and are manipulative/narcissistic/co-dependent/emotionally abusive/gaslighters or any other form of toxic, do not be afraid to stand up and say ENOUGH!

I don't know when I'll speak to my mother again, I still cant think of her without feeling angry and resentful. Maybe one day I'll try to speak to her again, when the anger subsides, though I suspect this may take years, my emotions are very intense when it comes to her. Regardless of when or if I speak to her again, I can unequivocally say I regret nothing about backing away, I need and cherish the distance.

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