Monday, 7 January 2013

I can try and understand

When I was growing up people would always comment on how it must be hard without my mother around. When I was 19, I met an old family friend who admitted when she heard what my mom did to us she wanted to "knock her out". I have never met a person who said "she must have had her reasons for leaving" and I find myself mostly blaming her selfishness and co-dependency problems on her clouded decisions. I would be lying if I said I didn't understand to an extent about why my mother is who she is, I've been gifted with the ability to empathize(not sympathize) with almost anyone, so here are some thoughts.

My mother lived a very traumatic life as a child. Her father beat her mother to death in in a drunken rage while both my mother and her brother were home. She lived in foster care, where my own dad suspects there was abuse based on things my mother has said, and when she was 11 her father was released from prison. My grandfather married a woman with 5 children so he was granted custody of his children after release, a very big mistake. My mother and her brother were physically and sexually abused, their father would beat them, and one of their step siblings molested them. My grandfather died of a cardiac arrest as he was strangling and beating my mother when she was 13 or 14. I'm not sure if she continued to live with her fathers second wife, or went awol, but all I know is that by 18 she was pregnant.

Not everyone who's victimized ends up like my mother, but unfortunately with no stable household, my mother was never able to learn how to deal with trauma. My mother is a runner, she runs from anything that is stable and thrives off of chaos. It is frustrating to deal with, but I do understand it to an extent. My mother is unable to empathize with anyone else's shortcoming's, and is socially inept, she has no friends, and she has had to move jobs due to conflicts with women she works with. My mother is incapable of accepting the blame when she does something wrong, she always blames others for her actions. Oddly, if her spouse is angry at her, she "knows" she did the "provoking", spoken like a true victim.

When I was 11 my mother told me that no matter what, your spouse will always be there for you, your family grows up and moves on, that simple idea reveals some of her fears. My mother has a fear of abandonment, she is always the first to move on in a relationship, and she only moves on once there's a sure thing lined up. She left us for "greener" pastures, but has only been in abusive controlling relationships since. I sometimes wonder if my mother's choice in men helps her numb the pain of leaving her children. I wonder if she left us because she worried we would become victims. I also wonder if she was able to make false memories of us because of all the drama she has had to endure with her partners. Maybe those inaccurate memories helped her cope with the reality of an abusive boyfriend. Only she knows, but I have a feeling there is truth to my speculations.


  1. Such a tragic story, so much trauma, so sorry there was no one to rescue your mom-as-a-child.

  2. That IS tragic and you're probably only partially right. You're mom never learned the basics of how to love and be loved and love herself FIRST let alone others. She never learned how to be a wife or a mother. Based on her childhood alone her 'mental growth' was stunted. She never got to be a child and before her childhood ended she was a mother. If you are angry with your mom you should be absolutely, but I do think you see why she is how she is and I hope you can forgive (but not forget) her transgressions. She knew not what she was doing and probably still doesn't.

    Wonderful post.

  3. Thank you! I always forgive her, but it is so hard sometimes, especially when she blames everything on other people.