Wednesday, 18 June 2014

One Year Ago Yesterday

One year ago yesterday everything changed,
You lost your battle with an unknown war, a hidden war, a terrifying never ending mass of inner turmoil,
And now you're gone. 
But we aren't.

An we're left here to ponder away, the what if's, the should have known's, the obviously not so obvious.
The thoughts are fleeting, the confusion still burns, probably not as hot as that cold water churns.

The sorrow, the pain, the embarrassment, the shame,
The finger pointing, the blame,
Nothing will ever feel the same.

What were you thinking, what weren't you thinking,
Were you smoking, drinking? While you were sinking, sinking,

Suicide is far from the solution, but knowledge is power.
You didn't have that knowledge, and you lost your war.
We miss you, we love you, and we wish we were more observant. 
p.s. Thanks for the sandwiches, steaks, and conversation.

One year ago my uncle jumped off of a pier and ended his life. He was under a tremendous amount of stress due to perceived money issues. He had always been an interesting person to talk with and he talked endlessly when provoked. 

He was often considered "lazy" by family and friends as he would get off work and just watch TV all night. Over the years the list of things he loved to do grew shorter. He stopped hunting, stopped fishing, stopped going to his friends to watch nascar or the baseball game. He stopped wanting to go to family events and when he was around others he'd sneak away and sleep in another room. He started to suffer from anxiety and paranoia but only his immediate family knew about it, they didn't know the full extent of his worries. The day before he killed himself he told his daughter he loved her, something very out of character(sadly).

If you know anyone who fits this description, talk to them and ask them if everything is alright. There is nothing worse then the feeling left after someone you love commits suicide, that feeling of "I knew something was off, why didn't I ask?" If you have ever had feelings of doubt, severe anxiety, and thought of suicide, PLEASE ask for help. My uncle is not the first person I know to commit suicide, I had two friends in highschool do it too, and it sucked just as bad then as it does now. I will never have closure, my aunt and cousins will never have closure, neither will my uncle's siblings or his mother. Suicide sucks, it leave's a raw wound that fades but never heals. Your personal pain may end when you die, but your suicide stings for the rest of your friends and family's lives, please get help before making such a final decision. 

Sorry for the depressing post, but hopefully it helps someone else where my uncle couldn't be helped.


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